The last I left you, was that Atticus would get another chest CT in November, so that was scheduled. I’m really glad things are digital and they schedule us for an hour or two after the scan to see the oncologist. The nodule grew again, in just one month. Oncologist said they would discuss it at the tumor board and talk to the pediatric surgeon who took his other nodule out the last time. An appointment was made to see the surgeon by video on December 28. The scheduler at the oncologist’s office had called a week or so prior and said the surgeon wanted another chest CT before our visit on the 28th, and he had the scan on the 27th.

The next morning we had the phone visit with the surgeon, who said the nodule grew again since the November scan and we should definitely get it out. She said the normal - that someone from her team would be calling us to schedule surgery, probably early next week.

Around 1600 on Tuesday I got a voice mail “reminding” us of our appointment the next morning at 10:30, no eating for 8 hours, the whole thing. I was VERY confused, and as much as I hate phone calling, I called and asked about the reminder call. Yes, surgery had been scheduled for the next day, no one had called except the reminder call. I told Atticus to eat up because he’s having surgery tomorrow! It worked out that they were still on holiday break. It was a weird day - the hospital was quiet, and because of COVID, they closed the waiting rooms and my waiting room was his pre-surgery room. I did go up and get some lunch with Wendy, who works in post-op, and I felt comforted that she would be caring for Atticus after his surgery.

Oh hey, surprise! Atticus gets lung surgery today!

When surgery was finished, the surgeon came in to let me know it was a successful surgery, and that this scar would be smaller than the last one. They at first hoped to do it laparoscopically, but it wasn’t a possibility, so opening his ribs it was.

At least the lung drain didn’t sound as horrifying as it did the first time.

It was weird being on the fourth floor again, kind of comforting, but also the feeling of “well, here we are again…”. Again, watching my son, no matter how big he gets, in so much pain - might as well just toss my heart in a bench vise and just start turning that handle around and around. The drain hurt, his ribs hurt, he had a hard time catching his breath, and with my heart in that vise, I wasn’t breathing really well either.

The surgical staff was in charge of him since he was there for surgery and not chemotherapy. His nurse case manager came by a few times to say hi and chat since we were there, we hadn’t seen him in a while, and he’s a bright light in the dark world of pediatric cancer. But one day, Atticus’ oncologist came in, in the middle of the day - it wasn’t morning rounds. She gave us news we were expecting - the nodule was osteosarcoma and that he is now considered… oh that awful word… relapsed. Atticus said to her “it’s just never-ending” in such a sad voice, at which point I burst into tears, and pretty much haven’t stopped this entire month. She told us she’s in contact with the doctor at OHSU Doernbecher/Knight Cancer Institute who will be doing the trial and they are setting us up with her.

January 10 we went to Doernbecher and talked to this new oncologist. I was scared, but I have another friend who works there - I told her we would be coming in, and she was on the 10th floor waiting for us when we came in!! It felt so comforting to see her and helped put me at ease. The appointment was good, hopeful while a little confusing, and a little disheartening to look forward to another year of chemotherapy.

Atticus will be 18 this month. A time that is usually celebrating some extra freedom, a job, maybe get a car, thinking about graduation, the future, what kind of job will he get, what adventures will he get up to. Atticus wants to just be normal and get a job and feel like a regular teen. He’s missed so many years of just being able to be a kid. Instead, we are looking at another year of chemotherapy. Waiting for the trial to start, trying not to worry about the cancer spreading, did the nodule leave a little cell behind that will now rapidly reproduce?

Meanwhile, Anneka turned 20! How did that happen?!

He got out of the hospital and got to come home on January 1, an interesting way to start 2022. January 2, it’s been four years since he was diagnosed. The last four years have been so difficult, stressful, terrifying, heartwrenching, exhausting. Just when I feel I am at the end of the little thread of the end of my rope, something else happens and our life gets put on pause again, for another year. We are grateful for this trial, and to help forward science and medicine for pediatric bone cancer.

But guess what! I have some pretty cool news! Sometimes as creatives we create when things are rough. This is a new type of creating for me as I’m not a drawing or computer-type artist - give me some mannequins and let me play dress up!

I announce to you… our brand new MERCH FUNDRAISER! I’m so delighted that after some brainstorming and collaborating with talented people, I got to see it come true. It’s kept me busy this month, and I needed busy. So please, go check out our merch, some super cool things in there to show the world your support of Atticus! When you do receive your items, please make an unboxing video or take a pic with whatever it is you got, and tag me on Instagram! I’m so excited for you all to see our merch - and don't let the middle finger deter you - I have G-rated versions as well (especially on the kids' items!). You can also check out my boutique, which I am still working on uploading items to the site, so keep your eye out for new items, follow my sustainable style Instagram @ireneveldstrastyle to keep up on new items!

If you can’t shop right now, it would be awesome if you shared the links on your socials, or if you already follow me, share my posts! I’m excited to see what you all get!