As we know by now, it takes me a bit to process alone for awhile before I can give updates, even though I know people do care and would like to know things.
First, I feel like with all that has happened in the almost four years since Atticus was diagnosed, I would be better at “being like water” as my friend says, who also has a large tattoo on his arm of the phrase. Therapy, medication, I would be tremendously worse off without them, and I do know I’m growing and finding tools to cope, but sometimes I’m so overwhelmed I forget my coping skills. Sometimes, I feel I’m way worse off at being able to handle bad news, or maybe just news.
I have all of Atticus’ cancer stuff which just doesn’t go away when finished with treatment, there’s upkeep and lots of appointments and problems with his prosthetic leg and the seroma that’s causing pain. Things they don’t tell you- chemo destroys teeth so a lot of hours are spent at the dentist. It’s too much to bear at times, watching him struggle and in pain, and me being scared about “what next”, in addition to everything else in life that is just life, but that I’m not dealing with well at all.
Atticus had his scans on October 20, then we visited the oncologist on the 22nd to find out the results of the scans. Well, since this new rule, or law came in that they have to push the results in to MyChart as soon as they get them, it’s another anxiety battle as I’m googling all the words and phrases that I don’t understand which of course make me more nervous. However, I do also like that I can look over them so I can prepare my questions.
It’s not terrible news, but it’s not great either. He has osteosarcoma nodules in his lungs, he had some removed before. Most of them are so tiny that they can’t really do anything about them, and it seems the Stivarga has kept them small over the last couple of years.
But now one grew from 4x4mm to 5x6 mm, and that’s since the last scan that was done three months ago. She was going to bring it to Tumour Board which is on Tuesday mornings and find out if the surgeons would be able to palpate it at that size and if they think they would be able to remove it.
Tuesday came around, the oncologist called and said the surgeons think it’s still too small, but now he will get another scan this month, November to see if it’s still growing, how fast, and again, if they can do surgery. She spoke about maybe re-starting the Stivarga as it seemed to keep them small, but also since he had just quit, it’s not like it would have grown that much in a week. The side effects of Stivarga aren’t great. Not as bad as the horrific inpatient chemotherapies he was on, but it does impede the quality of his life.
I also asked if he was going to go in for surgery, can someone just jab the seroma with a needle and drain it while he’s under anesthesia anyway… but that’s up to different teams. She said it might still grow back, which we understand, but maybe it might give him some relief, maybe off the Stivarga it won’t grow back so fast, maybe if he keeps the compression stocking on his residual limb… maybe.
Nothing is for sure. That’s one thing life guarantees us. It’s a very, very stressful waiting game. As always, ways to help are still listed on the How To Help page if you so desire.
Until next time… Be Like Water.